


Creepy Crispy Cakes CONJOINED CHALLENGE!

by orphan_account



Series: Behind the Scenes [3]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Fluffy, Halloween baking, M/M, Or not, baking video, conjoined challenge, crispy cakes, cut that part out, phil is a huge flirt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-31
Updated: 2017-10-31
Packaged: 2019-01-27 03:50:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,067
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12573084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Phil and I decided to go for something a bit simpler for the Halloween Baking video. I guess I'm just a bit too soft when Phil asks for something with a smile, so yes, this is the story of how I ended up conjoined to my flatmate and teenage crush through a stupid Halloween jumper and how I am now paying the price for it. Thanks for the tweets and costume suggestions guys.





	Creepy Crispy Cakes CONJOINED CHALLENGE!

**Author's Note:**

> I watched this video about three hours after it was posted and there were way too many innuendos for me to ignore. Phil isn't innocent, far from. So yeah, decided I'd write another video fic because the last one seemed to go down really well with you guys so hopefully you'll enjoy this! It's a bit longer than my usual oneshots but I think it's more fun that way.
> 
> Based on the Halloween Baking video on Dan's channel if you haven't seen that yet, please go watch. This may not make much sense otherwise, I skipped a lot of description because most of it is already explainable if you've seen the video.

                “Are we gonna try this?”

                “No you’re gonna break my arm!”

                “we’re literally gonna-“

                “Oh my God!”

                “Okay–3, 2, 1…”

                I excitedly ran in front of the camera, pulling Phil with me perhaps too fast because within a second of dashing on camera, he was already slipping over himself. I rolled my eyes as he regained his footing, thinking of how many screenshots the viewers could get out of that moment alone. This would be a very long video. I could forgive his clumsiness, it wasn’t entirely his fault. You see, for this video we decided that we’d do a terrible thing – conjoin ourselves through a jumper sewn together at the sides. Having only one arm would be difficult, where the fuck am I supposed to put the other one?

                You wouldn’t believe how painful getting into this thing really was. For starters, Phil insisted on the conjoining jumper because so many people tweeted pictures of it asking us to wear it. I couldn’t say no to the smile he gives, I could tell he was pretty excited by the idea. Besides, it’s good to interact with the viewers given we usually don’t reply to comments on videos. That’s what I told my poor fucking soul anyway, because I really didn’t want to do this.

                You see, Phil and I make a lazy habit of not actually wearing shirts underneath our jumpers. That’s right, we got undressed in front of each other, which is not unusual really, but in this situation it was tense as fuck. I’d taken off my shirt only to have Phil slot my side of the conjoining jumper over my head and trap me inside it. He smirked at me when he took his shirt off and slotted in beside me. So we were essentially going to be half naked under the same jumper for hours while filming this video, and that was fucking terrifying. I knew I cared about Phil a lot, and seriously I was not interested in testing my feelings and the waters by putting myself in careless positions such as this one. Being conjoined and brushing up against his skin and sharing that intimate contact would probably kill me. I usually joke about wanting to die, but please God, not like this…

                I had to bring myself back to the video to give the introduction. “Hello internet, and welcome back to another Dan and Phil baking!” Phil seemed to have recovered from his fall, and was already smiling like an idiot. Slimy git. I introduced the crispy cake idea, wondering whether I dare say how easy they really are to do given we’ll probably find some way to fuck it all up anyway. Oh well, that was part of the fun. I usually enjoyed the baking videos with Phil, it was like a window into my domestic life. I still don’t know if I’ll ever have the life of a husband-I’ve fairly much avoided dating for the past seven years, ever since I moved in with Phil really. I still don’t believe that our life together allows for any chance of a relationship, which I suppose makes me a little bit sad given I’m 26 and still alone. That’s why I relish these moments with Phil, even though I tease him regularly throughout, because of that loneliness.

                Hence, the Conjoined Creepy Crispy Cake Challenge.

                “Right, we’re gonna keep our hands in our pockets so that we don’t accidentally elbow each other,” I explained, giving Phil a light nudge through the jumper. I forgot that our arms were completely bare. This was going to be a long video. My intention was obviously pure with this, but really, with Phil so close where the fuck else was I meant to store my awkward limb?

                Phil made some jokes about fighting him, and honestly I’d definitely lose. If the guilt of hurting the man didn’t kill me, then I would. “I’m so glad that I’m not conjoined to you,” I told him. He’d think that I found him annoying, and that’s the exact type of humourous coping mechanism that I needed him to observe. Could I honestly imagine being so close to him all the time? No. I’d probably die of unreciprocated emotions. Thankfully Phil changed the subject for us to get on with the video.

                We’d finally gotten through getting the pan and ‘scraping’ the butter out, and I honestly apologise for the way we treated that block of butter. I then discovered that Phil ate the marshmallows that I bought specifically for this video. Of course he did. I wasn’t angry really, it was adorable that he had zero self control. Then he spilled the generic cereal. Okay maybe not so adorable. Oh well, this is my life now.

                “Okay Dan, snog, marry, or avoid?” Phil asked, pointing at the three faces on a cereal box we'd selected as the prime ingredient of our cakes. It made me laugh and blush a bit that he’d used ‘snog’ and ‘avoid’ rather than ‘fuck’ and ‘kill’. The faces on the cereal box were genuinely terrifying, but I guess I’d kill one out of mercy–if I just avoid him then he’ll have to keep with his miserable life and that’s no way to live.

                “Definitely fuck that one, marry that one, and kill that one!” I responded, pointing at the cereal killer blond in the middle of the image. Did I just admit that I’d marry and fuck men? No, little boys? Fuck me. I did secretly hope that Phil would be one of the candidates in this selection, but no. Just little boys. So now I’m a pedo, great! “That one’s got the chef’s hat, he’s the one in charge, definitely a homemaker. Husband material!” I reasoned. I definitely would marry someone who could cook. If these crispy cakes worked out okay then maybe Phil could be a reasonable contender. I had to laugh at that.

                “Is that appropriate?”

                “Look Phil, I’m 26, I’m depressed, and I need edgy humour to cope with my anxiety.” Phil shot me a very concerned and loving look at my little spiel–I think after my last video he was genuinely worried, I would be too. I am worried for me, let’s not deny that.

                “Are you alright Dan?” He asked with genuine desperation in his voice.

                I laughed, as if that question were ridiculous, “Duh, Phil it’s a joke,” I replied. I loved him for his concern though, and all humour has truth to it so I was probably gonna find myself being given a long chat after this.

                “Oh the sound of our skin slapping together…” Phil stated rather disgustingly. We’d have to jump cut this one.

                “I don’t know Phil, I think I enjoy the skin on skin action,” I said with a smirk. Oh boy that was a terrible idea, and next thing I knew, Phil was winking at me with both eyes. “Okay moving on swiftly.” I remarked that I accidentally gripped the pan with my cheating hand-I thought of a way that I’d really be able to keep my flirtatious and awkward bullshit away from Phil to keep our friendship from imploding at my hand. “I’m gonna put my hand in my back pocket, okay. I’m gonna clench my own arse for the whole duration of this video.” That’d do it.

                “Me too!” piped up Phil. Oh for fuck’s sake, now our hands were both on our asses an inch away from each other because Phil kept leaning over me and brushing against my chest to stir the pot, which knowing us, would probably catch fire any second now. The marshmallow and butter mixture still needed to fully melt together. “While you’re waiting, think of a fun activity to do with your conjoined friend!” Phil advised. God dammit Phil. I knew we’d have to jump cut the next five or so minutes. “Are you enjoying yourself Dan?”

                “I mean, I have my hand groping my arse while conjoined to another man who is also groping his own arse, what could be more fun Philip?” I said sarcastically.

                “I don’t know, Dan, maybe if those two men were groping each other’s arses?” Phil said suggestively as he again winked with both eyes.

                “Phil stop trying to wink!” I pleaded, relieving some of the tension as I could tell this was gonna get very difficult soon. Phil was being a flirtatious fuck as usual.

                “Okay I’m sorry!” Phil said as he reached over and pulled his useless hand up from the curve of my butt to the bare skin of my back, grinning like a fucking idiot as he did it. It sent shivers through my body, this was the exact type of contact I couldn’t have because I knew how bloody sensitive I was to Phil doing anything like this. It was too risky, and I could feel the panic rising inside of me.

                “Alright the marshmallows are melting, let’s get back to the video because we’re not gonna be able to refilm this part,” I suggested rather uncomfortably as Phil laughed at me, “because someone ate the marshmallows,” I added on after realising how that might sound. For fuck’s sake.

                I remembered that Phil had advised to do a 'fun activity with your conjoined friend', “which we didn’t do!” I added on. It came out of the blue for us but could be edited together to join up with what Phil said before. Fuck me if that piece of film from before ever saw the light of day. It would be deleted and then the hard drive it got saved on would be melted down into scrap before YouTube would ever see it.

                “These are the only marshmallows we have, so we can’t burn a single one!” I said to Phil as I was stirring the pot as justification for why I wouldn’t let him do it. I turned towards him with an annoyed grin, then realised how fucking close to his neck I was. I could lean over and give into the jumper, which was obviously pulling us closer together anyway, and touch him if I wanted to. But I didn’t.

                The marshmallows were a melted mess now, which made it one step closer to being out of this jumper. “We’re close! We’re close!”

                “Don’t keep saying that…” I told him. I could hide that as humour against Phil’s general cluelessness for innuendo, even though I knew that the fucker was smart enough and definitely impure enough to know what he was saying. I could not and would not be turned on by the rubbish coming out of his mouth.

                I did like that we were working as a team when pouring the boiling marshmallow mix into the bowls. I held the bowl up and Phil instinctively understood to spoon just the right amount inside. It was actually pretty nice to see us work as one, especially conjoined. This was the nicer aspect of filming this video. The antics of mixing everything in was genuinely hilarious to me. It dissipated the tension from before.

                When it came to actually putting the chocolatey mix onto the baking paper, maybe we didn’t work so well as a team. Oh well, everyone has discord in their relationship I suppose. Not that we’re in a relationship obviously, but after seven years of living together we’re practically married.

                We managed to cut all the mix into shapes of relatively recognizable quality with only a little bit of swearing and annoyance. Phil was pretty proud of his efforts to decorate one of the cakes to look like a brain. He took some stabs at my love of black clothing and Riverdale as he drew a few 'neural pathways' on the brain. Look, Cole Sprouse is a hot distraction from Phil so no fucking shit I like Riverdale. Google Archie’s abs, you won’t be disappointed. I did find it pretty adorable that he wanted to draw the pathways in my brain, so I went for a similar approach.

                “This is the part of your brain that loves dumb challenge ideas!” I said, painting a red stripe on a section of the tasty creation. Phil gave a chuckle and my face softened, I probably shouldn’t be so cruel. Nah, fuck that, “and this side is vacant!” I said, pointing to the entire empty half of the representation of Phil's brain.

                “Hey!” Phil complained, with a genuine look of hurt on his face, “that’s not fair or nice!”

                “Oh Phil you know I’m joking around, you’re a very intelligent and humourous person but let’s be real the other side of your brain is probably filled with pictures of cats and dogs and other animals that you found on google images.”

                “You’re not wrong…”

                “Wanna do the other crispy cakes together?” I asked, bating my breath while he considered for a moment.

                “Yeah alright, but only if you give me a hug first!” I didn’t need to be asked twice really, I just let the jumper pull me towards my conjoined friend and circled my free arm around him as he did the same. It felt pretty inviting. That’s when I realised that we both moved our immobile hands from our pockets and tried to hug with them, and fuck me if it wasn’t the weirdest thing ever. My hand got caught underneath the jumper as I tried to move it to hug Phil, and I felt a shiver of awkwardness and terror flood through me as I brushed against his jeans and accidentally flicked his crotch. And that was when I realised he’d done the same.

                “Uhm… alright so you got your hug,” I said trying to move us back to filming the video, “let’s uhm… just,”

                “Cut that out?”

                “Yeah, that.”

                We found some solace in discussing how sexy Frankenstein was, giving him a beard, other ridiculous bullshit. Pretty soon, the decorations were complete. Despite the weirdness, Phil seemed really happy.

                “We did it! I’m so happy with these,” Phil stated with a smile before picking a treat out of the basket he'd got to show them off. “I’m gonna eat the brain!”

                “Yes Phil, of course you are,” I commented as I took one and savoured the disgustingly sweet taste.

                “Maybe we should do everything conjoined? Maybe that’s the answer to good baking so we actually get decent food at the end!” Phil suggested, which made me want to vomit in surprise but also made me a little happy. Phil wanted to do things with me, wanted to be tethered to me in some way. That was kinda sweet and endearing, but honestly, I think I would actually die. I was already sweating enough from the tension and it had only been an hour or so in this jumper.

                “This tastes like an angel has licked the inside of my mouth,” Phil stated with a serious tone and the hint of a bit of flirtation as he looked at me. It was overwhelming and I needed to get the fuck out of this jumper right now.

                “Thanks for having me on your chann, Dan!”

                “Okay I’ve had my fill of Phil now, literally I don’t want to touch you, see you, be in the same room as you for like a week now.”

                “Let’s disconnect,” Phil said as if he hadn’t heard any part of what my stupid mouth just shat out.

                “Sorry Phil, I’m joking, I genuinely don’t mind touching you and seeing you and being in the same room as you.”

                “Dan, please stop talking.” I flushed a bright colour given that my stupid brain had continued to spout weird shit even after I told it to stop. Gosh, maybe my brain really was filled with just Riverdale and memes.

                “Alright, I wonder if we can just pull ourselves apart.”

                “Look I don’t think that’s wise, a friend did make this jumper for us and plus I think I might wanna use it in the future!” Phil declared brightly. I seriously hoped that it would be _far_ in the future before I was locked in the same piece of clothing as a man who I couldn’t really deny I had a bit of a thing for. I mean, look at me. I’m a fucking mess.

                We filmed the outro in the jumper and my first thought was to immediately get out of this thing. With everything that happened I did want a bit of alone time. “Okay Phil, let’s take out our arms from the sleeves first and then…” I said as we each pulled from the jumper. Our arms were free now, which left the heads. We both tried to get the jumper off our bodies, but the damn thing only stretched and pulled us towards each other when we tried.

                “No, Dan, wait we can’t do it at the same-” Phil yelped as I tripped and fell towards him, thankfully he managed to catch me on his torso given that both of his arms were now trapped. So this is the story of how I, Daniel Howell, had my nose pressed into my best friend’s snail trail.

                “Okay Dan, that’s alright… you’re in a good position to get the thing off your head now,” Phil advised, pulling the jumper off me as I had all the slack on my side. Great, I was practically standing in the room half naked now that I’d gotten the jumper off my body. “Wow, Dan.”

                “What? I’ve been exercising okay!” I defended, mentioning that after my last video, I resolved to actually put my advice on how to combat depression by doing some physical activity.

                “That’s not very onbrand of you,” Phil commented as he took his part of the jumper off, leaving both of us just standing there, shirtless with skinny jeans that were far too tight for us. Usually a shirt was able to hide the particularly overt parts of our bodies by covering the crotch area, but not this time. Phil moved closer towards me, and that made my breath hitch. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

                I laughed awkwardly at his comment, “yeah, I just thought maybe it might help… plus I guess I’m just jealous of Archie from Riverdale a bit…”

                “I’m proud of you Dan,” Phil said as he encircled me with his arms, pressing both of our naked upper halves together. The skin contact felt surreal and completely hot and passionate. For fuck’s sake, all I wanted was to feel like I had a normal domestic life with another person and to not be completely lonely when we set out to do this baking video AND NOW I HAVE MY HALF NAKED FRIEND PRESSING INTO ME.

                “Dan, are you okay? I can feel your heartbeat, you sound like you’re going to explode!”

                “I’m fine, Phil. Just not the turn I thought we’d take after being conjoined and you being all flirty and shit, you know?”

                “Jesus what type of turn did you think we’d take?”

                “I don’t know, I’m just being stupid… I enjoyed being all domestic and pretending I have a normal life I suppose." There’s nothing I can’t tell my friend, apart from my confusing feelings towards him obviously, but I could probably get away with hinting.

                “Dan, you do have a normal life.”

                “Do I really? I could die at any moment, and I’m already 26 and I haven’t been on a date in years. Our lives aren’t compatible with that sort of thing, I’m just lonely,” I explained, feeling Phil become a bit hurt and confused and plain broken as he thought what I could possible mean. I knew I needed to talk a bit more as I held him a bit tighter to me and hugged his head towards my chest. “I love living with you and working with you and being your friend, I wouldn’t trade it for the world. Trust me, I wouldn’t trade it. I’m sure you know that sometimes you get this feeling where you just want something else, something we can’t really have. Of course it goes away when I realise that I’ve still got you, it’s just a feeling that keeps coming up.”

                “Really? I don’t ever feel like that, but I don’t think we’re in the same situation as one another…” I cocked my head as he said that, not really sure how different our circumstances could possibly be. Phil knew it warranted extra explanation, “I used to be really lonely, you know I did Dan, but it’s not because I couldn’t find someone because of the life we share together. I know that either of us getting into a relationship would make our work life complicated, and maybe other people would never understand how inseparable we really are, but I do genuinely enjoy what we share too much to want it to change. Besides, I’m 30 now. I don’t think love is going to happen for me and I won’t risk what we have trying to find it now.”

                “Phil, don’t say that. There’s still a chance, I know there is.”

                “No, I think that ship has sailed.”

                “That’s what you think,” I said softly as my heart started beating much much faster. I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t kiss him and show him how I felt, so I settled for being a bitch and kissing him on the cheek instead. Phil’s eyes widened, and I chuckled a bit at the way he looked, gaping like a surprised tortoise. Whatever that looks like.

                “Wait Dan, do you,” Phil started before pausing, flushing a red colour and allowing a tear or two to fall from his gorgeous eyes as if he were daring to think that what I just did actually happened. “Do you mean it?”

                “That you’ll find love? I can’t be sure of the future, but I want it for you because I care about you… I want you to have a chance,” I explained, seriously hoping that he wouldn’t ask me to explain the kiss I gave him. I didn’t have the emotional energy to do that.

                “I meant the kiss, I was asking whether you would…”

                “Whether I would…?”

                “Whether you’d give _me_ a chance? _Us_ a chance?”

                It genuinely came as a shock. Phil was asking for _my_ love and commitment. This is not the way I thought a conversation like this would ever go. Phil was that much better than me that it should be me _begging_ for him to take a chance on _me._

                “Duh you silly idiot, after all that shit you just pulled? That’s all I’ve wanted for a while now.”

                “Speaking of which, do you think we should edit all this off? The camera is still rolling, we didn’t turn it off…”

                “Thank fuck this isn’t a live stream…” I said, laughing as I held Phil in my arms and pulled him back to me, “how about this–let’s turn off the camera and go eat the rest of those crispy things.”

                “Only if you give me a kiss first,” Phil requested sweetly, and of course I obliged. What did you think I’d do? I slowly moved to press my lips to him, and when he kissed back I realised that he wanted it as much as I did. We pulled apart after a few moments, breathlessly staring at each other and realising how odd this entire situation was. We were still half naked, standing in a kitchen with spilled cereal everywhere. I gave a giggle at the fact that the camera was _still_ rolling at this point.

                “I say let’s keep this footage for when we’re old and decrepit and explaining to our grandchildren how two stupid spoons like us managed to find each other,” I suggested, realising that I’d just implied that we’d be together forever. Wow I am a clingy lonely bitch. I think Phil understands that by now though.

                “Oh yes! But does that mean we’ll have to share our channels with them and watch them laugh at the horrible and childish things we used to do for a living?”

                “Obviously. Come on, let’s put some clothes on.”

                “Do we have to?”

                “No, no we do not,” I said with a smile as I planted another kiss on Phil, who only made it that much more difficult by smiling too widely to kiss back.

               

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed that everyone! I don't usually write fics based on actual videos, but I was semi early to the Halloween one and thought why not. Comments appreciated as always, I love reading the things you guys have to say!


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